Heart Spill Here

It could be out of need for help or support, but maybe it’s also the need for touch or a reminder that I’m actually here; but tonight I could use a hand. I could use the feeling of fingerprints brushing and goosebumps rolling down to my toes, I could use those. I could use a pat on the back or a punch in the arm after a laugh; I want to feel here. I want to feel like I belong where I am, like where I stand is not just on my own two feet, but on the Earth. This is the largest risk I’ve ever taken in my life and I’d be lying if I said it was easy. It’s hard on nights when we’re both feeling the stresses of existence in this world and we can’t be there next to each other to hold the other back. It’s hard when you’re crying and all I want to do is kiss every tear and take it from you to lighten your load, but I’m watching you through a lens and lenses are cold; they don’t kiss like we do. It’s bliss in the moments we’re laughing together and we can forget the distance and the hours, it’s easy when I can sing to you while you fall asleep and imagine I’m there scratching your back. It’s lovely when we’re just happy to be together, even though we’re miles apart. It’s beautiful when I remember you have my heart. I’m sorry that sometimes it’s hard for me to not feel the distance, but I hope you understand that it’s only me missing you. I’m entirely in love with you, and I don’t want anyone else; you’re the love of my life. I’ll get better at not feeling this so much; I work on it every day. I feel blessed that you’ve even given me a chance in this. I feel blessed because I get to love you every day, and hopefully for many days and months and years to come; and I feel blessed to have an incredible everything in you.

I was thinking about you in the shower today. No, not sexual thoughts, just that I had no idea someone so incredible was headed my way. I spent the two years before I met you tearing my skin because I thought that was the way to let pain out, I thought that was how I was supposed to show what I was feeling. I would hurt myself the way I felt like life was hurting me so that at least I had someone to blame. I would destroy my body with smoke, I would go days without sleep or food, and I’d take life in through a filter.

About six months before I met you I started to get help; I owe my life to my counselor.

By the time I first talked to you I was more myself than I’d ever been, and I was getting better everyday.

To sum this up: I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. We hit six months last week; I think I’ll always be dumbfounded as to how I got to be so lucky.

The day we met was the first day I ever considered the fact that I am short. We hugged and I came up to your shoulder. (I know we still argue about who let go first; it was totally you.) I fell in love with tall girls that night just like I fell in love with your words and your voice. You rode in the car with me while we talked about everything for hours, then when we parted ways it took me all of two minutes to send you a message about seeing you again.

I should know better than thinking I could sleep on a night like this.

I set an alarm, hoping I’d wake up to you in my arms.

Instead I awoke to a pillowcase wrung so tight the feathers were pouring out.

I’m pouring out over phone lines and keyboards, hoping to seep in.

That way I could find my way to you, and I’d find my way home;

with you is where I belong.

With you is where I belong.

I miss you. No flowery metaphor, no quotes about someone else in love: I miss you, and it’ll never feel like I’ve held you enough.

It feels like maybe it’s harder to be without something once you realize you’ve been missing it your whole life. I am anxiously awaiting a future with you.

You’re keeping me safe from miles away and all I can do is express gratitude in words that never come out right. I have so much adoration for you. I didn’t know where love came from before I met you, and now all of a sudden I find that it pours from every part of my heart when I think of you. Lately the seas have gotten rough, we’re grazing the rocks and sometimes it feels like capsizing is the only way home, but I know that as long as my sights are set on you, and you depend on me as much as I depend on you; we’ll make it to the horizon one day. I love you, I love you, I love you.

Sometimes my heart doesn’t know sidewalk from sky and I end up looking for starlight in concrete when it gets dark. You came into my life with more love than I ever thought existed for someone like me, and all of a sudden I stopped looking around corners for danger to start looking at gardens for flowers to show you. I feel so lucky to know you. I love you, I love you, I love you. Every day I wake up with joy in my soul and love in my heart; I’ve never been so happy. I feel like these words aren’t coming out right, but know that you’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever known. I can’t wait to have you in my arms again.

Stay away from the negative and only fill words to her with love. She’s the one making you feel like you’re bathing in sunlight. Remember that she’s soft like you in some parts of her heart, so use light steps and quiet care. Love like this is what Gods and Goddesses would have saved for themselves in ancient times. It’s time to protect her the way you used to protect yourself.